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There are things you should never experience. These are things I have done so you will not have to. Writing about dentistry is the obvious one. There are many others I cannot discuss without getting your “have the guts to know” insecurity clearance. This story will dissect an occurrence the faint of heart should avoid. And just to put you further towards the edge of your seat, this is about modern dental care.

It all started with a recommendation from my children’s dentist. See how seemingly unremarkable these things can start out. The pediatric dentist, a normally trustworthy fellow, told my wife that our children, two beautiful angels, should use an electric toothbrush to clean their teeth. The total banality of this event is almost staggering in its ability to throw you off its frightening potential.

While they have regularly brushed their teeth over the years, it is more difficult to get them to do it correctly, and more importantly for a long enough period of time. Dental health is very important topic in our family: it is a secret I feel comfortable in telling you now. Hiding it for these many web blogs - has taxed my conscience. Forgive me for my lack of candor in the past.

That said, the nightmare continues. Feel the tension? Palpable. Anyway, we go to the local electric toothbrush outlet mall to purchase one of these puppies of dental care modernity. The cost was not insignificant, but the Gap in teeth store had a nice khaki with a tasteful mint floss belt accessory. Obviously, my family is hip with the dental set and has got some serious dental freaky going on…

Not sure where that was going, but as kids do, they came home very excited about their new dental acquisition. Most importantly, they were excited to be on the road to better dental health. Sadly, this would be short-lived. Their father, a resolute and honorable person in most dental cases, had already opened the trapdoor to dental care hell and did not even know it.

I asked that you hold your children tight and hide them from the unspeakable horror that is to follow. Use my example as a talisman to ward off the dental technology fate that would befall all of you if I did not live to tell you about it.

While this is not about electric toothbrush spontaneous combustion or electrocution -- which would have made this story more worthwhile to tell - it has remnants of pure, unadulterated insufficiency. However, we must forage on towards the climatic (thank God he is finally done) end. The lack of value and expectation has yet to stop me--please have the same dull wittedness to continue on this journey to dental hell.

So it continues… (Now that is a transition, people! You should see the smug look on my face.) My children are carefully trained by wife to use these tools of the new dental trade. The family dentistry unit does not approve of my dental training techniques. In this case those who cannot do should not teach dentistry. I can brush to save my life -- my wife is the smile lifeguard for the family unit.

The first night goes well. Gleaming with electric fortified dental health they sweetly slumber. They wake the next morning to a day beautiful enough for three out of four dentists to be playing golf. Fore! Hopefully, I can keep this story on the fairway. Fair maybe - in the direction of the truth, unlikely.

The daily dentist-recommended ritual gets underway. Brushing. Brushing. Electric Brushing. The eldest daughter of the dental blog writer finishes. She removes her brushing armament from the toothbrush main structure. This goes well. The youngest of the family unit accepts the main electric structure and places her armament onto it. Electrified dental care begins again.

Flawlessly she handles this plaque-removing task. Cavities are beaten back once again! Dental caries are buried. The gingivitis party is over. Gum disease has left the building. Then the earth opens up and…

I realize this is a dental blog and continue with it.

Actually I need to step back. This horrific scene would not have been possible without the negligence of an individual that will go unnamed who did (or did not do) things in a timely and proper manner in the first place. Sinks like most weblogs often have this mass of swirling yuck, which ultimately drains into a big dark hole of even more yuck.

This sink was even more like a weblog because it had no plug in it. Removed because of a hair situation that can only be described as something caused by people with long hair. While this could be blamed on the female persuasion, I am the lone male in this situation and happily married I hope to continue to be. Therefore I find myself in the position to not comment any further, or I'm apt to find myself never to be in any position again.

Having ripped this drain plug out in frustration so many years ago (after removing scads of hair that might have been female) I had not seen it as a problem. Except for the occasional razor blade or costly medication this black hole would consume, it seemed to be the pinnacle of aesthetic un-plumbing functionality.

Besides, the aforementioned dental blogger's use of language not appropriate for children under 29, his expensive shaving habits and pharmacological deprivation, the missing drain plug showed it was somewhat simple to forestall the "father and husband as capable handyman" myth another few years.

See this drain plug was somehow hooked to this thing that was down in the deal - where it was hard to reach so putting it off for another day seemed very prudent - at the time. Why the complexity with plugs? The plugs with the chains sufficed for a 1,000 years. They're mess'in with our heads I tell ya!

Many might think I have given away the punch line (or climatic crescendo to my adoring fans) of this dental nightmare. Well you are wrong. I have forgotten what I am writing about. It is difficult to giveaway something you do not have… in mind -- literally. I have taken myself on this ride to suspenseful mediocrity nowhere before. I am just surprised someone of your obvious blog discerning savvy would have followed me this far into the abyss.

Speaking of deep dark, scary things. I now remember the dental storyline: Electric toothbrush bristle thingys straight to hell!

So my daughter pops that short, stubby, bristled buzzard of a brush stump off the main electric dental thingamabob. Valiantly she reaches for it. Risking her life for dental health. Putting everything on the line for better dental care. But regretfully, her father had opened up the gate of dental hell. Sucking from our family 9 - yes NINE - dollars worth of sweat and dental blogging earned gold from her father's paycheck.

It took so much from us - when we have given so much to dentistry. Why? Why? My God why! It is unbearable, the heartache, the stab in the back, the toothache in the mouth, and the rest of those clichés. As Steven Martin said - woe so many years ago - "Ronald Reagan will make this country what it used to be - a barren ice wasteland. " While not in context with this story in any way, it makes me feel better to say it. Plus Steve did play a dentist in the movie Novocaine.

What is the morass of this dental story? I think you know. Your contemplative and convulsive posture is quite translucent - much like dental veneers.

If you don't know, try this… When you are reading something in a dental blog - always keep the drain plug in reach. You gonna want to pull it much earlier than this.

Give your kids a hug - and Thank God - they have functional drain plugs. Good tidings and dentistry to all.

Epilogue: Courtesy of Hardware Hank, For $2.79 you can buy a drain strain thing--fits right in that little hole. If you would get up from your computer once in awhile - you might actually have a life and save your child's dental health future - you blogging idiot!

Join us for our next oral health scare fest: Nightmare on Phlegm Street. In this one, the hack is worse than the tripe.

Sincerely, RAC

Dental Blogger is the web blog for dentists and consumers that takes a humor-serious look at dental health.