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I know I’m not a popular guy, and thanks to new technology I am reminded of it regularly.

Take the Call-Waiting option you can buy from the phone company. It should be called the I Got a Better Deal Instead of You option.

My sister has this option on her phone. She answers usually in one or two rings… “Hello?”

“Hey, sis it’s me!”

“Uh, Jeff? Saaay, I’m on the other line, can I call you back?”

Somewhat taken aback, I say “Uh, sure.” Click.

Now what do I do?

Do I hang around the phone and wait, or do the next thing on my list? In my case I’ve learned to go on with my life because I have never been called back. Seriously.

I Have NEVER Been Called Back. This makes me a little concerned.

What if it’s my only phone call from jail? I tell you what… I better get to the meat of the problem, pronto. “HeysisI’minjailandyouaremyonlyphoneca..click”

If it’s a stroke or heart attack, I better convey real pain in my gargling gasps, or the line will go dead and so will I.

Now, I can hear you saying, “C’mon, don’t be so sensitive! She is only being polite to her original caller!” This is an excellent point.

Sadly, I have been on the phone with her with the loud Click--Click of an incoming call comes in. “Hey. It’s another call… let me take this... (click) …15 seconds …(click) oh, hey, it’s a friend of mine, can I call you back?”

Sigh. “Sure.”

In my youth, I remember asking a girl to a formal dance and hearing, “Okaaaay, but if someone I REALLY want to go with asks, I’m going to have to cancel.” I bet she now has Call Waiting at her house too.

My wife's friend Paula has all the options. She can talk to you, hear the Click of Call Waiting, check to see who it is on Caller ID, and decide if that person is a Better Deal than you. If they are, she discards you, and picks up line 2. If she can’t decide, she can park you on Hold, and toggle back and forth.

It seems weird to hang up while you’re on hold with your friend, so Libby, my wife, often has 40-minute phone calls with only 15 minutes of conversation. Kind of like watching TV with a lot of commercial breaks.

As you can see, this is a sore point with me. So when the telemarketer from the Phone Company called offering Call-Waiting and other neat services, I was going to let her HAVE IT!

Was. Before I got past “Well, to be perfectly honest…” -- she had to take another call.

Sincerely, Jeff Gould

Gould-Plated Humor
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