I know I’m not a popular guy, and thanks to new technology I am reminded of it regularly.

Take the Call-Waiting option you can buy from the phone company. It should be called the I Got a Better Deal Instead of You option.

My sister has this option on her phone. She answers usually in one or two rings… “Hello?”

“Hey, sis it’s me!”

“Uh, Jeff? Saaay, I’m on the other line, can I call you back?”

Somewhat taken aback, I say “Uh, sure.” Click.

Now what do I do?

I’m very familiar with cover-ups—I own a 110-year old house.

Its exact age is hotly debated between my wife Libby and me. She says it was built in 1885; I’m thinking more like 1890s.  To keep our marriage healthy, we avoid the topic, but I think it’s safe to tell you that I am right.

Anyway, the craft of Home Improvement is child’s play compared to the real art of CoverUpManship, which any zealous old homeowner is familiar with. For example, when I moved my home onto it’s new foundation, just before the winter of 1996-7 (very bad if you remember), I thought I would save a few bucks and leave the cement basement walls unfinished.

Jim is my friend, and because he’s my friend I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was doomed.

It started when he mentioned that his wife stopped by the paint store.  Now, any man who has been married more than 10 years can tell you that is a warning sign just as grave as coughing up blood.  It means your wife is ready to strip your finances down to skeletal remains through a process call Home Remodeling.

The Great Bathroom Fight never really happened because I was too chicken to start it.  I am the only male in my house.  One man. One wife. Four daughters.  We used to have a male cat (fixed) but he ran away, and I must admit I think about it a lot myself.

Anyway the great Bathroom Fight "started" when Libby was snickering over a little fact found in the back of a Women’s Magazine.

Note: A Women’s Magazine features a scantily clad woman on the cover along with articles about losing ten pounds and eating chocolate.  A Men’s magazine features scantily a clad woman on the cover but pretty much maintains the same theme throughout the whole magazine.

Anyway, the factoid was that women shave 20 times more skin area than men, but men spend 10 times more on shaving products than women do. The not-so-obscure point is that men are money wasting, vain blobs that squander the family funds on shaving cream, while brave women soldier on with soap and rusty razors.

Well, maybe that’s the truth for your average Metrosexual Dandy, but as for me… Let’s take a tour of the Gould bathroom:

A possum lives under my porch.

I suppose you think I’m a hick. That my hound dog rides in the back of my pick-up truck on the way to the coon hunt. This is wrong, wrong, wrong! Simply because: if I had a gun or a hound dog the possum would’ve been dead meat long ago.

No, the possum lives under my porch because I belong to that new breed of male--The White Neck.

There are a few misconceptions about White Necks. Many people think we love nature. The truth is, white necks like nature--the way we want it.

We like trees and gardens and grass, but we hate the things that are wrong with nature (and there are many):